Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Advice on Moving From Miami to San Francisco Courtesy of a Person Who's Never Been Further West Than Colorado

If the sun appears to be setting in the wrong place relative to the ocean, do not be alarmed. This is just evidence that a hole has opened in the fabric of reality and that you may need to make peace with your higher power in anticipation of apocalypse. If the sun appears to be rising in the wrong place, it is just an optical illusion.

A feeling of strangeness may overcome you on the streets of San Francisco. This attributable to the continual fear of vehicular homicide slowly leaving your person. It will pass and soon be replaced by a fear of hobos and trolley-related homicide, or trollicide as it is more commonly known.

San Francisco, unlike many other locales, has a fair amount of humidity year round. Thus you can live your life without fear of your skin flaking and falling off, dandruff becoming omnipresent, and otherwise sleeping in a tub of vaseline every evening, unless you are so inclined for reasons not covered in this guide.

While San Francisco, colloquially known as San Fran, Frisco, or Siffran™ (ask your doctor), is temperately colder than its location in California would have the layman believe, it is known to occasionally rise above 60 degrees, especially and frequently as a direct result of the presence of trashcan fires littering the city's many vagabond encampments.

In the event that the high price of living leads to destitution, the following food substitutes are reportedly quite popular in San Fran:
- sterno
- rice-a-roni (ding ding!)
- locally produced organic wood
- seagulls

Please heed these friendly reminders and by all means enjoy your stay! Er ... relocation! Whatever!
Someone Who Has Never Been To San Francisco


RO said...

As someone who has spent 2 nights in San Francisco previously, I find your guide to be remarkably helpful and accurate.

Anonymous said...

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