"I regret to inform you that I will not be attending our high school reunion as I see no point in encountering people the memories of whom have been erased by alcohol"
"As I skipped most of high school, it would not be in proper form for me to attend. Therefore in keeping with tradition I will be skipping the reunion. I look forward to the 20 year reunion, which I will skip also."
"I regret to inform you that I will not be attending our high school reunion as I have gone through the guest list and now, as then, there is not a single woman I would sleep with"
"Due to the restrictive nature of concealed weapon permits and my inability to inhabit the same room as you people without a gun handy, I will unfortunately be unable to attend our class reunion"
"My parole officer was unwilling to grant me leave from house arrest to attend the reunion. Sorry."
"I have swine flu and my every orifice has become an evacuation zone for fluids. I regret my inability to attend. Go Cavs!"
"Unfortunately the Saturday evening of the reunion coincides with my cult's 'Day of Ascension'. I feel it necessary to inform you that I will likely not attend the 20 year reunion unless it is held within the Celestial Oneness"
AND THE REAL REASON I WILL NOT BE ATTENDING MY CLASS REUNION:
"Facebook has already given me more details into the lives of my former classmates than I wanted and no amount of alcohol is going to want to make me build on any of that. Also - too many of you are breeding and it weirds me out."