Wednesday, April 1, 2009

an open letter to my Hasidic stepbrother

Dear Jon -

I recently made up a new rule: you cannot be my facebook friend if you've reproduced. This was done to counteract the sudden rush of friend requests from people I graduated highschool with who are suddenly gushing about having their first kids. Most of these people, coincidentally, were also more popular than I was and drank/smoke/whatever before anyone else did back in the day.

This new rule had 2 unintended consequences - it meant that I couldn't be friends with many people over the age of 40 (which, frankly, is convenient as I didn't really want to be FB friends with my friend's mom or my superior at work anyway) but it also meant that I could not be friends with you, you who are one year younger than I am yet just had your fourth kid.

I considered briefly setting a standard (if you're under 30 but have more than 1 kid - acceptable) but there was no underlying logic to this that would have made sense. It would have been "arbitrary and capricious," to use an agency law phrase. I feel it necessary to set specific standards though as this will not be the last time I have this problem, so the most convenient exceptions to this rule are as follows -

1. Family are exempted from this rule (conveniently, you've been full-fledged family for about 3 weeks since our parents got married. Hooray!)
2. This rule shall stay into effect until such time as I lose my mind and choose to reproduce or such time as Facebook becomes as outdated and passé as Friendster (because while we're setting standards, might as well do so for the long haul)

With that out of the way, warmest congratulations!!!
Sincerely,
Your Loving Stepbrother